Letting the Divine in (and out)

Ok.

Keyboard and screen, full coffee cup, a couple of scented candles, a rainy day. My hair pulled back, glasses polished, I am ready for work.

If you call this work.

The voices protest, "You are not getting paid for this 'work.' No one will read this 'work.' But work I must. A writer must write.

I am learning that the voices in my head are not necessarily accurate. Actually, the voices in MY head are full of crap. These voices torment me, lead me astray, put me down and stomp on the Divine that is trying to creep through.

The Divine.

There is much to learn about this new Christianity. I call it new, but it is not. It is ancient and in its most recent form, this school of thought is still over 100 years old. Older than current Evangelical thought.

I could write about the evolution of modern Christianity, but more important is to understand the Divine within me, within you. I must understand how to manifest beauty, love, truth in my life. I must begin to practice the laws of attraction.

Here is an Eric Butterworth quote,

"I keep my thoughts centered upon only those things that I want to see manifest in my life."

This is actually his version of the beatitude, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy."

Mercy. That is something I need for myself. I torture myself with what I should or should not be doing all day. I torture myself with my own lack. I torture myself with the idea of my own uselessness.

No MORE! No more, I say. Blessed are the merciful.

"I am open and receptive to the inflow and the outpouring of all there is in God."

Manifest is a word that comes up a lot in this kinder Christianity. Manifest: to prove; put beyond doubt or question.

How does God's love manifest? How do I manifest a better salary, a nicer house? Manifest blessings, people will say. Clear, distinct, unmistakable. To reveal, to disclose, to make evident.

How do I know the difference between the voices within me? How can I sort the Divine from the Ego, the darkness, that which is trying to drag me down?

James 3:17

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.

It seems one could spend a lifetime sorting out that single verse.

Here is what I fear; here is the danger I see in this sort of thinking:

Self blame. If I don't manifest good in my life, it is all my fault. Sickness, poverty, lack - all my fault. I am afraid of that line of thinking. But is it better to believe that everything is beyond my power, thrown at me by random luck, a loving God, fate or Karma from past lifetimes?

We must all explain poverty, sickness and death.

The laws of attraction are so clear when one is looking at someone else's life. I seldom think of someone as having bad luck any longer. One attracts romantic partners, jobs, business ventures, money or lack thereof. I see it in other people.

What can I see in me? Only that I need to keep my mind on things above. By denying my own worthiness and Divinity I have manifested some very bad things into my life. I must believe that I deserve to have a life filled with goodness, mercy, beauty, prosperity, good health, good friends.
This life is good, but what if it could be great? What if all my striving stopped and I lived only poise and grace? What if the next thing should come to me easily, money would flow and I would spend it wisely, the right people would come into my life when they should and I would not mourn or berate myself when it was their time to leave my life.

What if I stopped comparing myself to others and was the very best that Liz Elliott could be? What if I took one day at a time and did what this day required with my very best heart? What if I forgave myself for the past and resolved that from this day forward I would only believe the best about myself, do the best of whatever tasks were put before me and trust the future to be great?

What if?

Is it possible that someday I will make a great living writing and teaching? Could we actually have a second house on a river, I drive a CRV and, most importantly, LOVE what I do for money?

Is all this possible? What if I believe that it is? Would it be worse than not believing? Or is it better to not believe and therefore not be disappointed? Because of course this is what I am REALLY afraid of. I am afraid of disillusionment, disappointment, let down. I am afraid to find I am not talented or capable, that riches do not come to me, that I am mediocre and unworthy. I am afraid there is no Divine spirit and especially not within me.

Ah trust. But what if I just tried a little? What if I just tried for a little while? It works for others. I see it in others.

Trust. This comes down to trust. I see that now. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to be disappointed. Fear vs. belief. Fear vs trust.

It's the heart
Afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream
Afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one
Who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul
Afraid of dying
That never learns to live

I can't believe I'm quoting "The Rose" but it seems apt. I am so afraid. Am I alone? No. So many of us are afraid.

I know my fear is literally killing me. If I cannot learn to reach out in trust, I will die.

Dear God, be with me. Hold my hand. Cover my eyes while I jump.
Here I go. Into the Great Unknown.
Air is rushing past me.
I feel Divine.