Growing up, I don't remember anyone saying it was important to be happy. It's not like anyone said, "Be unhappy" or bitter or resigned or anything else for that matter. Just nobody talked about it. I remember a lot of talk about duty, God's will, hard work, patience, endurance, obedience, honor.
I think happiness was assumed to be like peace and beauty; some hippie notion out of California. Happiness could be lumped with leisure time and homosexuality; it led to a weakening of American morals. I bet too much talk about happiness could have gotten you labeled a "socialist" and kicked out of the Elks Club.
So the other day I get this random message from the Universe saying, "Be happy." Not just be happy, but be the happiest person on the planet.
Ok, let's assume this mandate is couched as a bit of an exaggeration. Let's assume that I am only supposed to be as happy as I can personally be. That's still a pretty radical notion.
What if everyone got this message? What would people do? Would the garbage get collected? Would anyone work in retail? Who would clean public toilets?
I try to picture it.Politicians would stop talking about the First and Second Amendments so much and talk about that "Pursuit of Happiness" phrase in the Declaration of Independence.
But isn't that what America is all about? Aren't the ads for cars, teeth whiteners and fabric softeners all geared at selling us happiness? When politicians talk about protecting the American Dream and The American Way of Life aren't they talking about our pursuit of happiness? Everyday thousands of people cross our borders legally and illegally because they think they will be happier here.
So I am claiming this right. I have once fought for and claimed the right to my own life. Liberty will be a topic for another day. Today I declare my right to pursue happiness.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Ok, took a hiatus to assess my life and put some things in order. Why does it seem so hard to write after only 3 weeks? I think about writing all the time. Topics and ideas float around in my head constantly. I think the difference between a writer and a wannabe is more about hard work than talent.
While I was doing all this - ahem - productive thinking about writing, I came up with a list of ideas for the blog and it seems all the ideas can be brought back to a central theme: Why Are We Here? What are we supposed to be doing with our time on earth?
As I was meditating the other day, I received a strange message. It said, "Your job is to be the happiest person on the planet."
What?
How am I going to make money being the happiest person on the planet?
Besides, what kind of dumb job is that? It certainly doesn't take a lot of skill to be The Happiest Person on the Planet. Does it? Besides, I am sure there is some 80-year old wise man living on a much more enlightened continent who already has that job sewn up.
But that's the message, folks, "Be Happy."
In my last post I listed the agreed-upon formula for happiness. I also noted that one had to get rid of any blocks to happiness. In the three weeks since I last posted I learned another valuable lesson about happiness: "Quit trying so damn hard."
The message I got didn't tell me to go out and do anything. It said, "be." Specifically, "be happy."
That sounds like a lifetime assignment. I'm getting started.
While I was doing all this - ahem - productive thinking about writing, I came up with a list of ideas for the blog and it seems all the ideas can be brought back to a central theme: Why Are We Here? What are we supposed to be doing with our time on earth?
As I was meditating the other day, I received a strange message. It said, "Your job is to be the happiest person on the planet."
What?
How am I going to make money being the happiest person on the planet?
Besides, what kind of dumb job is that? It certainly doesn't take a lot of skill to be The Happiest Person on the Planet. Does it? Besides, I am sure there is some 80-year old wise man living on a much more enlightened continent who already has that job sewn up.
But that's the message, folks, "Be Happy."
In my last post I listed the agreed-upon formula for happiness. I also noted that one had to get rid of any blocks to happiness. In the three weeks since I last posted I learned another valuable lesson about happiness: "Quit trying so damn hard."
The message I got didn't tell me to go out and do anything. It said, "be." Specifically, "be happy."
That sounds like a lifetime assignment. I'm getting started.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thanksgiving at my sister's house in Kansas. 8 grandkids, 2 dogs and a mountain of food.
Unhappiness ruins everything.
I was having coffee with my friend Katy the other day when she said, “You have the perfect life.” My first reaction was, “Oh, poor baby, you are sadder than I thought.” I had the grace (for once) to keep those thoughts to myself and only say, “You think so?”
In the car on the way home, I tried to take an honest assessment and realized I do have everything I’ve always wanted.
Yes, there are plenty of things I haven't gotten yet (see previous post) but I have my little house with a garden, an amazing husband who adores me, two cats, some great friendships. The bills are being paid on time, I have an enjoyable part time job where I am appreciated and I have time to write.
So when do I start being happy?
The question is, if even the best outside circumstances don't bring happiness, what does?
There has been much research done lately on the recipe for happiness. The consensus for the basic ingredients seems to be: Religion or spirituality, a good marriage, friendships and meaningful work (paid or otherwise).
Which doesn’t explain my current unhappiness. Here’s my theory: it doesn’t matter what you have if you don't get rid of some of the blocks to happiness.
Think of a happy life as a batch of chocolate chip cookies. (I get happy just thinking about chocolate chip cookies). You've got flour, eggs, butter, sugar, chocolate chips and vinegar. The face you just made sums it up exactly. No matter what you do, cookies with vinegar in them will taste like vinegar. The perfect life with added bitterness, anger, hatred, fear or anxiety will be sour.
As an added bonus, any of these bad ingredients will cast out the good. How long can you have good friends, a loving spouse etc. if you are anxious, bitter or angry?
It's a catch 22. You are angry because you don't have the perfect life. You can't have the perfect life because you are angry. (No worries, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it if you did).
The solution? As with everything else, it seems to start from the inside out. Lucky us.
Unhappiness is like the flu; we get so wrapped up in our own misery it is impossible to enjoy anything. On a cold, gray February day we dream of the chance to lie around home and watch movies in our bathrobe. The day comes that you have a fever and a bad cough and -bam – sitting home watching tv isn’t as much fun as you thought.
Prayer for the day: Dear God, show me how let go of the vinegar in my life.
Friday, June 20, 2008
To-do lists
What is your motivation?
True confessions: I have spent my life motivated by guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety. I am hear to testify that many unpleasant tasks can be crossed off a to-do list using these motivators.
What I cannot truthfully say, is that I have accomplished anything of lasting value this way. I have made and completed thousands of to-do lists and yet I have arrived at 42 with none of the credentials my college self envisioned. So I have to ask:
WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THE LAST 20 YEARS?
To be fair to myself, I am not homeless, dead, loveless or addicted to prescription drugs. I am not without a certain wisdom that comes from having paid my own way for 23 years. I have read much, watched a fair number of good and bad movies (2 of which I can quote verbatim) and can hold my own at Trivial Pursuit.
Still, I wish at 23 I had put the following items on my to-do list:
Get doctorate
Be a commentator for NPR
Write and publish a novel
Publish articles for The New Republic and the New Yorker
Live on the East Coast for 1 year
Travel Europe
Put money away every month
Have a child
Stay single until I find eligible father for said child
Live in Mexico for at least a month
How do we handle regrets? I have spent two years using regrets as a weapon against myself. What a loser I am. What's wrong with me?
Enough!
Still, everything must serve some purpose. What purpose can regrets have?
Here's what I think: regrets tell us where to start in reshaping our life. They are a clue to re-igniting the passions we have forgotten.
The hardest truth of middle life is that we cannot get time back. All those hours and tears I devoted to anxiety, alcohol, bad men and bad jobs are gone forever. I cannot change a thing.
I can, however, stop wasting any further time.
Ok, 42-year old self, listen up. Here is my to-do list for the next 20 years:
Get more education
Get my voice on NPR
Publish as many articles as I can for anyone who will have me
Travel the East Coast with my beloved husband
Travel Europe
Put money away every month
Lavish much love on any children that come my way
Learn how to banish anxiety, shame, depression, guilt and fear from my life
Cherish my friends
Laugh a lot
Find a way to make money at what I love
Got it?
True confessions: I have spent my life motivated by guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety. I am hear to testify that many unpleasant tasks can be crossed off a to-do list using these motivators.
What I cannot truthfully say, is that I have accomplished anything of lasting value this way. I have made and completed thousands of to-do lists and yet I have arrived at 42 with none of the credentials my college self envisioned. So I have to ask:
WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THE LAST 20 YEARS?
To be fair to myself, I am not homeless, dead, loveless or addicted to prescription drugs. I am not without a certain wisdom that comes from having paid my own way for 23 years. I have read much, watched a fair number of good and bad movies (2 of which I can quote verbatim) and can hold my own at Trivial Pursuit.
Still, I wish at 23 I had put the following items on my to-do list:
Get doctorate
Be a commentator for NPR
Write and publish a novel
Publish articles for The New Republic and the New Yorker
Live on the East Coast for 1 year
Travel Europe
Put money away every month
Have a child
Stay single until I find eligible father for said child
Live in Mexico for at least a month
How do we handle regrets? I have spent two years using regrets as a weapon against myself. What a loser I am. What's wrong with me?
Enough!
Still, everything must serve some purpose. What purpose can regrets have?
Here's what I think: regrets tell us where to start in reshaping our life. They are a clue to re-igniting the passions we have forgotten.
The hardest truth of middle life is that we cannot get time back. All those hours and tears I devoted to anxiety, alcohol, bad men and bad jobs are gone forever. I cannot change a thing.
I can, however, stop wasting any further time.
Ok, 42-year old self, listen up. Here is my to-do list for the next 20 years:
Get more education
Get my voice on NPR
Publish as many articles as I can for anyone who will have me
Travel the East Coast with my beloved husband
Travel Europe
Put money away every month
Lavish much love on any children that come my way
Learn how to banish anxiety, shame, depression, guilt and fear from my life
Cherish my friends
Laugh a lot
Find a way to make money at what I love
Got it?
Friday, June 6, 2008
Serendipity
"Serendipity: The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident."
Being in the right place at the right time.
In the article titled "Your Best Life is Waiting," posted on Oprah.com, Martha Beck writes:
"...recall the coincidences, strokes of 'luck,' generosity from other people or inspired ideas that helped you fulfill that desire."
In other words, recall the times that serendipity worked for you.
I made a list today and found an astounding connection in my life.
The story:
Not too many months after my last marriage ended, I became very motivated to improve my income. Sending my resume out, I gathered all my chutzpah and aimed high.
Weeks went by. I made the requisite follow up calls but nothing happened. Finally, at a moment when I was at the end of my psychic rope, I landed the job of my heart's desire with the one company I most wanted to work for. Elation.
18 months later I left that dream job exhausted, unhappy and sure that I had made a terrible mistake. Another entry on my long list of screw ups. Further proof that I could not be trusted to make decisions for myself. My inner voice was warped, retarded or just crazy.
Fast-forward to today, 6 years later and my list of wonderful things that have happened in the last 5 years.
The astonishing revelation: 7 out of 10 things on my list can be directly traced to people I met at that job or decisions I made based on that job. 7 of those things would not have happened if it weren't for that job.
That is the damned truth and I am shocked and pleased to discover it.
Today's prayer:
Dear God,
Sorry I doubted that bit of Divine wisdom. I'll start paying more attention to that inner voice (you). Thanks for everything.
Being in the right place at the right time.
In the article titled "Your Best Life is Waiting," posted on Oprah.com, Martha Beck writes:
"...recall the coincidences, strokes of 'luck,' generosity from other people or inspired ideas that helped you fulfill that desire."
In other words, recall the times that serendipity worked for you.
I made a list today and found an astounding connection in my life.
The story:
Not too many months after my last marriage ended, I became very motivated to improve my income. Sending my resume out, I gathered all my chutzpah and aimed high.
Weeks went by. I made the requisite follow up calls but nothing happened. Finally, at a moment when I was at the end of my psychic rope, I landed the job of my heart's desire with the one company I most wanted to work for. Elation.
18 months later I left that dream job exhausted, unhappy and sure that I had made a terrible mistake. Another entry on my long list of screw ups. Further proof that I could not be trusted to make decisions for myself. My inner voice was warped, retarded or just crazy.
Fast-forward to today, 6 years later and my list of wonderful things that have happened in the last 5 years.
The astonishing revelation: 7 out of 10 things on my list can be directly traced to people I met at that job or decisions I made based on that job. 7 of those things would not have happened if it weren't for that job.
That is the damned truth and I am shocked and pleased to discover it.
Today's prayer:
Dear God,
Sorry I doubted that bit of Divine wisdom. I'll start paying more attention to that inner voice (you). Thanks for everything.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Promises, commitments and vows I won 't keep
Things I have vowed not to do over the years:
Drink coffee
Eat sugar
Drink vodka
Drink beer
Drink any alcohol
Wait for my husband
Nag at my husband for being late
Get mad at customers
Get angry at my mother
Sleep too much
Leave my shoes (or books) lying around
Things I have vowed to do:
Exercise daily
Write daily
Eat well
Keep my house clean
Make x number of phone calls every day
Call my mother
Read self-help books
Chant or pray daily
I am a miserable failure. I have broken every one of those promises many times. The only thing on those lists that I have accomplished is to stay away from vodka for this last year. And who's to say I won't drink vodka again someday if the moment is right?
Today I vow not to make any more promises to myself. I won't put myself on a housecleaning schedule that I pay no attention to. I will not promise to lay my clothes out the night before work. I will not guarantee that I will write anything. I don't know if I will ever go to the gym again (although I suspect I will). I will not promise to avoid sugar or coffee. I might take a nap this afternoon.
Instead I vow to listen to that inner voice - the Voice of the Divine. Am I hungry? Do I need another cup of coffee? Is a 15-minute nap going to be as refreshing as an hour?
Maybe I am hungry, another cup of coffee would be just the thing or I'm tired enough to sleep for 2 hours.
There are promises I must make and plan to keep.
I committed to my husband which (in our case) means I promise to: live here daily, avoid inappropriate relationships with other men, not take a job out of state, not make big financial decisions without consulting him, spend some time building our relationship daily. These are spoken and unspoken promises between us that I love to keep.
I have also committed to my house. There is mortgage and taxes of course; promises to the bank and the government. There are small, unspoken commitments to my neighbors about keeping the lawn down and the garbage off the front gravel.
These promises I find easy to keep because they give so much in return. For the cost of a mortgage I have this wonderful little place to live for which I am daily grateful. In return for my small sacrifices in marriage, I have a wonderful, loving relationship and a security and safety in my life that was missing before.
Could a commitment to an income-producing activity (i.e. a job or a career) be such a thing? Is there something I could enjoy doing so much that the sacrifice of time and energy seem like a small sum to pay for the return in income and satisfaction?
Today's prayer:
God show me the path that will bring me financial security, the joy of doing work I love and the satisfaction of a job well done.
Drink coffee
Eat sugar
Drink vodka
Drink beer
Drink any alcohol
Wait for my husband
Nag at my husband for being late
Get mad at customers
Get angry at my mother
Sleep too much
Leave my shoes (or books) lying around
Things I have vowed to do:
Exercise daily
Write daily
Eat well
Keep my house clean
Make x number of phone calls every day
Call my mother
Read self-help books
Chant or pray daily
I am a miserable failure. I have broken every one of those promises many times. The only thing on those lists that I have accomplished is to stay away from vodka for this last year. And who's to say I won't drink vodka again someday if the moment is right?
Today I vow not to make any more promises to myself. I won't put myself on a housecleaning schedule that I pay no attention to. I will not promise to lay my clothes out the night before work. I will not guarantee that I will write anything. I don't know if I will ever go to the gym again (although I suspect I will). I will not promise to avoid sugar or coffee. I might take a nap this afternoon.
Instead I vow to listen to that inner voice - the Voice of the Divine. Am I hungry? Do I need another cup of coffee? Is a 15-minute nap going to be as refreshing as an hour?
Maybe I am hungry, another cup of coffee would be just the thing or I'm tired enough to sleep for 2 hours.
There are promises I must make and plan to keep.
I committed to my husband which (in our case) means I promise to: live here daily, avoid inappropriate relationships with other men, not take a job out of state, not make big financial decisions without consulting him, spend some time building our relationship daily. These are spoken and unspoken promises between us that I love to keep.
I have also committed to my house. There is mortgage and taxes of course; promises to the bank and the government. There are small, unspoken commitments to my neighbors about keeping the lawn down and the garbage off the front gravel.
These promises I find easy to keep because they give so much in return. For the cost of a mortgage I have this wonderful little place to live for which I am daily grateful. In return for my small sacrifices in marriage, I have a wonderful, loving relationship and a security and safety in my life that was missing before.
Could a commitment to an income-producing activity (i.e. a job or a career) be such a thing? Is there something I could enjoy doing so much that the sacrifice of time and energy seem like a small sum to pay for the return in income and satisfaction?
Today's prayer:
God show me the path that will bring me financial security, the joy of doing work I love and the satisfaction of a job well done.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Letting the Divine in (and out)
Ok.
Keyboard and screen, full coffee cup, a couple of scented candles, a rainy day. My hair pulled back, glasses polished, I am ready for work.
If you call this work.
The voices protest, "You are not getting paid for this 'work.' No one will read this 'work.' But work I must. A writer must write.
I am learning that the voices in my head are not necessarily accurate. Actually, the voices in MY head are full of crap. These voices torment me, lead me astray, put me down and stomp on the Divine that is trying to creep through.
The Divine.
There is much to learn about this new Christianity. I call it new, but it is not. It is ancient and in its most recent form, this school of thought is still over 100 years old. Older than current Evangelical thought.
I could write about the evolution of modern Christianity, but more important is to understand the Divine within me, within you. I must understand how to manifest beauty, love, truth in my life. I must begin to practice the laws of attraction.
Here is an Eric Butterworth quote,
"I keep my thoughts centered upon only those things that I want to see manifest in my life."
This is actually his version of the beatitude, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy."
Mercy. That is something I need for myself. I torture myself with what I should or should not be doing all day. I torture myself with my own lack. I torture myself with the idea of my own uselessness.
No MORE! No more, I say. Blessed are the merciful.
"I am open and receptive to the inflow and the outpouring of all there is in God."
Manifest is a word that comes up a lot in this kinder Christianity. Manifest: to prove; put beyond doubt or question.
How does God's love manifest? How do I manifest a better salary, a nicer house? Manifest blessings, people will say. Clear, distinct, unmistakable. To reveal, to disclose, to make evident.
How do I know the difference between the voices within me? How can I sort the Divine from the Ego, the darkness, that which is trying to drag me down?
James 3:17
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.
It seems one could spend a lifetime sorting out that single verse.
Here is what I fear; here is the danger I see in this sort of thinking:
Self blame. If I don't manifest good in my life, it is all my fault. Sickness, poverty, lack - all my fault. I am afraid of that line of thinking. But is it better to believe that everything is beyond my power, thrown at me by random luck, a loving God, fate or Karma from past lifetimes?
We must all explain poverty, sickness and death.
The laws of attraction are so clear when one is looking at someone else's life. I seldom think of someone as having bad luck any longer. One attracts romantic partners, jobs, business ventures, money or lack thereof. I see it in other people.
What can I see in me? Only that I need to keep my mind on things above. By denying my own worthiness and Divinity I have manifested some very bad things into my life. I must believe that I deserve to have a life filled with goodness, mercy, beauty, prosperity, good health, good friends.
This life is good, but what if it could be great? What if all my striving stopped and I lived only poise and grace? What if the next thing should come to me easily, money would flow and I would spend it wisely, the right people would come into my life when they should and I would not mourn or berate myself when it was their time to leave my life.
What if I stopped comparing myself to others and was the very best that Liz Elliott could be? What if I took one day at a time and did what this day required with my very best heart? What if I forgave myself for the past and resolved that from this day forward I would only believe the best about myself, do the best of whatever tasks were put before me and trust the future to be great?
What if?
Is it possible that someday I will make a great living writing and teaching? Could we actually have a second house on a river, I drive a CRV and, most importantly, LOVE what I do for money?
Is all this possible? What if I believe that it is? Would it be worse than not believing? Or is it better to not believe and therefore not be disappointed? Because of course this is what I am REALLY afraid of. I am afraid of disillusionment, disappointment, let down. I am afraid to find I am not talented or capable, that riches do not come to me, that I am mediocre and unworthy. I am afraid there is no Divine spirit and especially not within me.
Ah trust. But what if I just tried a little? What if I just tried for a little while? It works for others. I see it in others.
Trust. This comes down to trust. I see that now. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to be disappointed. Fear vs. belief. Fear vs trust.
It's the heart
Afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream
Afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one
Who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul
Afraid of dying
That never learns to live
I can't believe I'm quoting "The Rose" but it seems apt. I am so afraid. Am I alone? No. So many of us are afraid.
I know my fear is literally killing me. If I cannot learn to reach out in trust, I will die.
Dear God, be with me. Hold my hand. Cover my eyes while I jump.
Here I go. Into the Great Unknown.
Air is rushing past me.
I feel Divine.
Keyboard and screen, full coffee cup, a couple of scented candles, a rainy day. My hair pulled back, glasses polished, I am ready for work.
If you call this work.
The voices protest, "You are not getting paid for this 'work.' No one will read this 'work.' But work I must. A writer must write.
I am learning that the voices in my head are not necessarily accurate. Actually, the voices in MY head are full of crap. These voices torment me, lead me astray, put me down and stomp on the Divine that is trying to creep through.
The Divine.
There is much to learn about this new Christianity. I call it new, but it is not. It is ancient and in its most recent form, this school of thought is still over 100 years old. Older than current Evangelical thought.
I could write about the evolution of modern Christianity, but more important is to understand the Divine within me, within you. I must understand how to manifest beauty, love, truth in my life. I must begin to practice the laws of attraction.
Here is an Eric Butterworth quote,
"I keep my thoughts centered upon only those things that I want to see manifest in my life."
This is actually his version of the beatitude, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy."
Mercy. That is something I need for myself. I torture myself with what I should or should not be doing all day. I torture myself with my own lack. I torture myself with the idea of my own uselessness.
No MORE! No more, I say. Blessed are the merciful.
"I am open and receptive to the inflow and the outpouring of all there is in God."
Manifest is a word that comes up a lot in this kinder Christianity. Manifest: to prove; put beyond doubt or question.
How does God's love manifest? How do I manifest a better salary, a nicer house? Manifest blessings, people will say. Clear, distinct, unmistakable. To reveal, to disclose, to make evident.
How do I know the difference between the voices within me? How can I sort the Divine from the Ego, the darkness, that which is trying to drag me down?
James 3:17
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.
It seems one could spend a lifetime sorting out that single verse.
Here is what I fear; here is the danger I see in this sort of thinking:
Self blame. If I don't manifest good in my life, it is all my fault. Sickness, poverty, lack - all my fault. I am afraid of that line of thinking. But is it better to believe that everything is beyond my power, thrown at me by random luck, a loving God, fate or Karma from past lifetimes?
We must all explain poverty, sickness and death.
The laws of attraction are so clear when one is looking at someone else's life. I seldom think of someone as having bad luck any longer. One attracts romantic partners, jobs, business ventures, money or lack thereof. I see it in other people.
What can I see in me? Only that I need to keep my mind on things above. By denying my own worthiness and Divinity I have manifested some very bad things into my life. I must believe that I deserve to have a life filled with goodness, mercy, beauty, prosperity, good health, good friends.
This life is good, but what if it could be great? What if all my striving stopped and I lived only poise and grace? What if the next thing should come to me easily, money would flow and I would spend it wisely, the right people would come into my life when they should and I would not mourn or berate myself when it was their time to leave my life.
What if I stopped comparing myself to others and was the very best that Liz Elliott could be? What if I took one day at a time and did what this day required with my very best heart? What if I forgave myself for the past and resolved that from this day forward I would only believe the best about myself, do the best of whatever tasks were put before me and trust the future to be great?
What if?
Is it possible that someday I will make a great living writing and teaching? Could we actually have a second house on a river, I drive a CRV and, most importantly, LOVE what I do for money?
Is all this possible? What if I believe that it is? Would it be worse than not believing? Or is it better to not believe and therefore not be disappointed? Because of course this is what I am REALLY afraid of. I am afraid of disillusionment, disappointment, let down. I am afraid to find I am not talented or capable, that riches do not come to me, that I am mediocre and unworthy. I am afraid there is no Divine spirit and especially not within me.
Ah trust. But what if I just tried a little? What if I just tried for a little while? It works for others. I see it in others.
Trust. This comes down to trust. I see that now. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to be disappointed. Fear vs. belief. Fear vs trust.
It's the heart
Afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream
Afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one
Who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul
Afraid of dying
That never learns to live
I can't believe I'm quoting "The Rose" but it seems apt. I am so afraid. Am I alone? No. So many of us are afraid.
I know my fear is literally killing me. If I cannot learn to reach out in trust, I will die.
Dear God, be with me. Hold my hand. Cover my eyes while I jump.
Here I go. Into the Great Unknown.
Air is rushing past me.
I feel Divine.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Yesterday was - miserable. So much anxiety and angst I could not hide it from Dge when he got home - very late - for date night. You can imagine how it manifested itself. I felt like I was 22 again. Luckily, I am 42 and it only took a few minutes for me to confess; my tantrum had little to do with him. I felt like I was falling apart and cried a lot when he wasn't home.
He listened attentively then summed it up: "You need a job, don't you?"
I agonize, he gets to the point.
I am so amazed, I immediately stop crying. "You don't think I'm crazy?"
"No, just home by yourself too much. It happens to me if I'm off work too long and I know what I'm going back to. You don't even know what's next."
"You think so?"
"Yes and while you're going through this, I need to make it a point to come home in the evenings."
"You don't mind? I mean you get to have a life."
"It's temporary."
With this he hugged me and walked out to start a fire.
I think I'm so much smarter than this man, so much more in tune with the human psyche. Maybe sometimes I am, but I think often I just get too complicated.
Today's lesson: Keep it simple.
I need to get a job.
4 criteria:
1. It needs to be 20 -25 hours/week
2. It needs to be interesting
3. It needs to pay me enough to make it worth my while
4. It needs to have some meaning
5. My boss has to be sane and she/he has to appreciate me
Ok, 5. That's actually a lot to ask for in a job in my experience.
We'll see how it goes.
He listened attentively then summed it up: "You need a job, don't you?"
I agonize, he gets to the point.
I am so amazed, I immediately stop crying. "You don't think I'm crazy?"
"No, just home by yourself too much. It happens to me if I'm off work too long and I know what I'm going back to. You don't even know what's next."
"You think so?"
"Yes and while you're going through this, I need to make it a point to come home in the evenings."
"You don't mind? I mean you get to have a life."
"It's temporary."
With this he hugged me and walked out to start a fire.
I think I'm so much smarter than this man, so much more in tune with the human psyche. Maybe sometimes I am, but I think often I just get too complicated.
Today's lesson: Keep it simple.
I need to get a job.
4 criteria:
1. It needs to be 20 -25 hours/week
2. It needs to be interesting
3. It needs to pay me enough to make it worth my while
4. It needs to have some meaning
5. My boss has to be sane and she/he has to appreciate me
Ok, 5. That's actually a lot to ask for in a job in my experience.
We'll see how it goes.
Friday, April 25, 2008
On the Road to Tarsus
I am committed again.
Or I should be committed.
The first thing I am going to write about is my religious experience. Spiritual experience? Saul on the road to Tarsus. I was smitten.
Yesterday after much journaling about what to do with the rest of my life, I knew that what I had to do with the rest of my morning, was to get up and get in the shower. Get dressed for the day.
The shower began normally enough, with me soaping up and beginning to cry. Tears are my new accessories. I cry in the car, I weep at e-mails, stories of cancer patients, while I'm on the elliptical trainer, doing the dishes. Anything and nothing sets me off these days. Emotional lability is the psychological term.
Yesterday was more intense than usual. Before I knew it I was huddled on the floor of the shower sobbing and begging God to come back into my life, saying I have missed God (I still have trouble with the personal pronoun. "Him" or "her" seems inappropriate). Saying I am sorry.
When I finally crawled out of the tub, my adult life was in clear perspective. I saw it as a deliberate turning away from God or the Divine purpose. I saw that as the source of my grief. Eckhart Tolle would say I was out of alignment with the universe and I would agree.
It is possible that every bad choice I made was necessary to get me to this point. Perhaps cancer was God's way of finally turning me towards the right path.
And the path is? Well for starters, I may go back to church. Yikes!
In the skeptical light of a beautiful spring day, doubts creep in. Christianity!! NO! I have spent nearly 20 years in angry mockery of Christianity. Is associating with Christians too high a price to pay for internal peace?
As I go deep within, I feel decades of anger and resistance -not coating me like a breakable candy shell, but insidious and pervasive. A poisonous miasma that discolors every thought, deed and word.
Flashback. In 1976 my ultra conservative home church dipped their toes into the cultural stream of "real" experiences and participated in a multi-church bread breaking ceremony. I don't remember the particulars, but I know the purpose was for us to experience communion more like the real Last Supper.
That night instead of sitting in our pews while the ushers passed cardboard wafers and grape juice, we sat on benches and silently broke bread with one another. At 10 years old, I felt God in a new way. I was moved to ecstasy. I walked in the Light for days afterwards.
There were other experiences, but they became obscured more and more by the oppression and constriction I felt in the evangelical church. Finally I broke with Christianity altogether. A move I felt necessary.
Is it possible I will become a Christian again? What does it mean to be a "Christian?" To follow the teachings of Christ? Or as my evangelical upbringing would have it, to be "saved?" Which is it? And if we follow the teachings of Christ, what do we do with Paul?
I jump ahead of myself. What I know is that yesterday I had peace. Real peace for the first time in months. Peace - or lack of anguish - is worth giving up pride or intellect or dreams of self importance and wealth.
I will stop saying that I am a failure. All roads have led to this "conversion" and I believe that from here my purpose will be revealed. I only want to walk in The Light. I humbly ask that my gifts and talents be put to their best use. God, Universe, The Eternal Light, Allah, it doesn't matter.
If my purpose is to be a Mary Kay consultant, so be it. If it is to write stories, ok. If my purpose is to hand out pamphlets on the streets of downtown Seattle or make beds in a homeless shelter I DON'T CARE!! All I want is this peace. The peace that passeth understanding. Peace to me means to stop agonizing over my place in the world.
Or I should be committed.
The first thing I am going to write about is my religious experience. Spiritual experience? Saul on the road to Tarsus. I was smitten.
Yesterday after much journaling about what to do with the rest of my life, I knew that what I had to do with the rest of my morning, was to get up and get in the shower. Get dressed for the day.
The shower began normally enough, with me soaping up and beginning to cry. Tears are my new accessories. I cry in the car, I weep at e-mails, stories of cancer patients, while I'm on the elliptical trainer, doing the dishes. Anything and nothing sets me off these days. Emotional lability is the psychological term.
Yesterday was more intense than usual. Before I knew it I was huddled on the floor of the shower sobbing and begging God to come back into my life, saying I have missed God (I still have trouble with the personal pronoun. "Him" or "her" seems inappropriate). Saying I am sorry.
When I finally crawled out of the tub, my adult life was in clear perspective. I saw it as a deliberate turning away from God or the Divine purpose. I saw that as the source of my grief. Eckhart Tolle would say I was out of alignment with the universe and I would agree.
It is possible that every bad choice I made was necessary to get me to this point. Perhaps cancer was God's way of finally turning me towards the right path.
And the path is? Well for starters, I may go back to church. Yikes!
In the skeptical light of a beautiful spring day, doubts creep in. Christianity!! NO! I have spent nearly 20 years in angry mockery of Christianity. Is associating with Christians too high a price to pay for internal peace?
As I go deep within, I feel decades of anger and resistance -not coating me like a breakable candy shell, but insidious and pervasive. A poisonous miasma that discolors every thought, deed and word.
Flashback. In 1976 my ultra conservative home church dipped their toes into the cultural stream of "real" experiences and participated in a multi-church bread breaking ceremony. I don't remember the particulars, but I know the purpose was for us to experience communion more like the real Last Supper.
That night instead of sitting in our pews while the ushers passed cardboard wafers and grape juice, we sat on benches and silently broke bread with one another. At 10 years old, I felt God in a new way. I was moved to ecstasy. I walked in the Light for days afterwards.
There were other experiences, but they became obscured more and more by the oppression and constriction I felt in the evangelical church. Finally I broke with Christianity altogether. A move I felt necessary.
Is it possible I will become a Christian again? What does it mean to be a "Christian?" To follow the teachings of Christ? Or as my evangelical upbringing would have it, to be "saved?" Which is it? And if we follow the teachings of Christ, what do we do with Paul?
I jump ahead of myself. What I know is that yesterday I had peace. Real peace for the first time in months. Peace - or lack of anguish - is worth giving up pride or intellect or dreams of self importance and wealth.
I will stop saying that I am a failure. All roads have led to this "conversion" and I believe that from here my purpose will be revealed. I only want to walk in The Light. I humbly ask that my gifts and talents be put to their best use. God, Universe, The Eternal Light, Allah, it doesn't matter.
If my purpose is to be a Mary Kay consultant, so be it. If it is to write stories, ok. If my purpose is to hand out pamphlets on the streets of downtown Seattle or make beds in a homeless shelter I DON'T CARE!! All I want is this peace. The peace that passeth understanding. Peace to me means to stop agonizing over my place in the world.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
One key to happiness
Good news - I didn't cry yesterday. I have moments of lightness, moments when I believe this will not last forever.
And great news! I have worked every day during this dark time. I have worked very hard. The lack of emotion, lack of enthusiasm gave me a focus that eludes me when I am happy. I so often skip from project to project, getting nothing finished and nothing accomplished. Lately I make my to-do lists and just mechanically cross off the items. Call the people I need to call, hand out business cards and network, finish my newsletter.
Faking enthusiasm and excitement can be done. I know people will not respond well to depression, anxiety, sadness - who would?? So to strangers I am happy, upbeat, complimentary. They respond better to me and it takes me outside my own grief for awhile. I am sure it helps my mood long term. I know nothing positive comes from sitting on the couch or lying in bed .
I have read a great deal lately about the meaning of life and spirituality. What did the Buddha say about work and money? What have wise people said about happiness?
The same theme repeats itself: find meaningful work, master it, give yourself to it.
This is truly revolutionary.
First the concept that work can make you happy. The people I worked with believed that happiness would be winning the lottery and never having to show up at work again. No one ever said, "If I didn't have to show up here every day, then I could pursue meaningful work." Meaningful would be to stay home. Then what?
The problem for Americans seems to be that we have not restructured the work paradigm since people left their farms and cottage industries and went to work in factories during the Industrial Revolution. Work, for most people, means getting up to punch a literal or figurative time clock, an hour of lunch and 2 weeks of vacation. Everyone has a boss who has a boss who has a boss that makes sure everyone under him is producing. Only rich business owners have any freedom and we only respect the ones that show up at work every day just like we do.
So many of us are unhappy in that mold, but what is the alternative? I never met anyone who thought differently except a bunch of "hippies" (read stoners) who really didn't want to work at all.
I am slowly finding my own alternative and finding I am not alone. This has become the new buzz: there are people out there making adequate or great livings by following their own path.
Here's the catch: it has to be intentional and it takes a lot of mental energy.
Americans are hard workers, but lazy thinkers.
So we must step outside of our society's paradigm. Find a meaningful way to make a living. Master that, devote yourself to it. Balance your life around that.
And great news! I have worked every day during this dark time. I have worked very hard. The lack of emotion, lack of enthusiasm gave me a focus that eludes me when I am happy. I so often skip from project to project, getting nothing finished and nothing accomplished. Lately I make my to-do lists and just mechanically cross off the items. Call the people I need to call, hand out business cards and network, finish my newsletter.
Faking enthusiasm and excitement can be done. I know people will not respond well to depression, anxiety, sadness - who would?? So to strangers I am happy, upbeat, complimentary. They respond better to me and it takes me outside my own grief for awhile. I am sure it helps my mood long term. I know nothing positive comes from sitting on the couch or lying in bed .
I have read a great deal lately about the meaning of life and spirituality. What did the Buddha say about work and money? What have wise people said about happiness?
The same theme repeats itself: find meaningful work, master it, give yourself to it.
This is truly revolutionary.
First the concept that work can make you happy. The people I worked with believed that happiness would be winning the lottery and never having to show up at work again. No one ever said, "If I didn't have to show up here every day, then I could pursue meaningful work." Meaningful would be to stay home. Then what?
The problem for Americans seems to be that we have not restructured the work paradigm since people left their farms and cottage industries and went to work in factories during the Industrial Revolution. Work, for most people, means getting up to punch a literal or figurative time clock, an hour of lunch and 2 weeks of vacation. Everyone has a boss who has a boss who has a boss that makes sure everyone under him is producing. Only rich business owners have any freedom and we only respect the ones that show up at work every day just like we do.
So many of us are unhappy in that mold, but what is the alternative? I never met anyone who thought differently except a bunch of "hippies" (read stoners) who really didn't want to work at all.
I am slowly finding my own alternative and finding I am not alone. This has become the new buzz: there are people out there making adequate or great livings by following their own path.
Here's the catch: it has to be intentional and it takes a lot of mental energy.
Americans are hard workers, but lazy thinkers.
So we must step outside of our society's paradigm. Find a meaningful way to make a living. Master that, devote yourself to it. Balance your life around that.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Forgiveness
I have been thinking about the meaning of work - and that is what I had intended to write about.
But whenever I sit down to write, lately, it is the same thing: the very ugly past.
Last week during a mundane conversation with one of my sisters, we accidentally hit upon the sorest of sore spots between us. I unintentionally let it slip that I was hurt at frequently being left out of family communication. I hadn't meant to say this; I knew where it must lead. But once it was out... there we were down the rabbit hole, the cat out of the bag, toothpaste out of the tube, etc.
As I had suspected, my sister has not forgiven me for my past transgressions. On that day I was privy to years of saved up resentment and rage. I had little defense except to say I was sorry and -geez, it was so long ago! Very shaken and upset, I called my second sister the next day hoping for support. Upon my very mentioning the topic, second sister opened up even more freely about the hurt I had caused.
They are both right; I have caused my family a whole lotta hurt. 16 or 17 years ago I began fighting with my parents over religion/Christianity. The rhetoric escalated over a period of weeks (or was it months?), they said some horrible things. I made wild accusations. The pain was unsustainable for me and I felt I could not sort things out while the fight raged. I completely cut off communication with my parents and - incidentally - my siblings. We were (and they still are) a very close family. The loss of one - and the oldest - was extremely painful for them all. My siblings felt betrayed in a way that I could vaguely understand but felt completely helpless to fix.
A few years later, my oldest nephew was born. I knew it was time for reconciliation. But it doesn't just happen. I called, I went home for multiple visits. I participated in family life again. I meekly tried to accept my outsider status as my just desserts.
But my siblings cannot so easily forgive and forget. Can I?
But whenever I sit down to write, lately, it is the same thing: the very ugly past.
Last week during a mundane conversation with one of my sisters, we accidentally hit upon the sorest of sore spots between us. I unintentionally let it slip that I was hurt at frequently being left out of family communication. I hadn't meant to say this; I knew where it must lead. But once it was out... there we were down the rabbit hole, the cat out of the bag, toothpaste out of the tube, etc.
As I had suspected, my sister has not forgiven me for my past transgressions. On that day I was privy to years of saved up resentment and rage. I had little defense except to say I was sorry and -geez, it was so long ago! Very shaken and upset, I called my second sister the next day hoping for support. Upon my very mentioning the topic, second sister opened up even more freely about the hurt I had caused.
They are both right; I have caused my family a whole lotta hurt. 16 or 17 years ago I began fighting with my parents over religion/Christianity. The rhetoric escalated over a period of weeks (or was it months?), they said some horrible things. I made wild accusations. The pain was unsustainable for me and I felt I could not sort things out while the fight raged. I completely cut off communication with my parents and - incidentally - my siblings. We were (and they still are) a very close family. The loss of one - and the oldest - was extremely painful for them all. My siblings felt betrayed in a way that I could vaguely understand but felt completely helpless to fix.
A few years later, my oldest nephew was born. I knew it was time for reconciliation. But it doesn't just happen. I called, I went home for multiple visits. I participated in family life again. I meekly tried to accept my outsider status as my just desserts.
But my siblings cannot so easily forgive and forget. Can I?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
What I know so far
18 steps to improving your life:
1. Act - action is better than inaction. This includes too much tv and sleep
2. Read - good reading expands your mind and is important to being a good human being.
3. Don’t read - too much. It shuts you off from real life.
4. Be independent -not everyone does or will like you no matter who you are
5. Get a pet - pets will love even when you don't deserve it. This makes life a little brighter
6. Find a life partner –someone who loves you (almost) unconditionally and inspires you to be your best self.
7. Clean your house –this also does not make you a good person, but it does make life easier. Messy does not equal productive
8. Stay healthy -health problems take way more time and energy than they deserve .
9. Be interested in others –even if you have to fake it. It makes people feel better about themselves and you might learn something
10. Raise a child-having kids forces you to grow up.
11. Raise a teenager -having teenagers forces you to admit how old you are
12. Don’t (always) listen to your family -they do not necessarily have your best interests at heart
13. Forgive your parents –they may not always have done the best they could but it’s time to get over it, move on and take responsibility for your own actions. If you can’t do this, get the kind of help that will allow you to
14. Exercise –because you need to (see 9) and it makes you feel way better about yourself and life in general
15. Be productive –busy does not equal productive; know the difference.
16. Change your hair –it lifts your spirits. Hairstyles are like drawings on a chalkboard -if you don’t like yours, change it. If you don’t like your teen’s, shut up. It will change eventually.
17. Get obsessed – find something that takes you outside yourself and makes you joyful. Do it frequently.
18. Be nice - even when no one else is. It does make you a better person and life runs a whole lot more smoothly.
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