One key to happiness

Good news - I didn't cry yesterday. I have moments of lightness, moments when I believe this will not last forever.

And great news! I have worked every day during this dark time. I have worked very hard. The lack of emotion, lack of enthusiasm gave me a focus that eludes me when I am happy. I so often skip from project to project, getting nothing finished and nothing accomplished. Lately I make my to-do lists and just mechanically cross off the items. Call the people I need to call, hand out business cards and network, finish my newsletter.

Faking enthusiasm and excitement can be done. I know people will not respond well to depression, anxiety, sadness - who would?? So to strangers I am happy, upbeat, complimentary. They respond better to me and it takes me outside my own grief for awhile. I am sure it helps my mood long term. I know nothing positive comes from sitting on the couch or lying in bed .

I have read a great deal lately about the meaning of life and spirituality. What did the Buddha say about work and money? What have wise people said about happiness?

The same theme repeats itself: find meaningful work, master it, give yourself to it.


This is truly revolutionary.

First the concept that work can make you happy. The people I worked with believed that happiness would be winning the lottery and never having to show up at work again. No one ever said, "If I didn't have to show up here every day, then I could pursue meaningful work." Meaningful would be to stay home. Then what?

The problem for Americans seems to be that we have not restructured the work paradigm since people left their farms and cottage industries and went to work in factories during the Industrial Revolution. Work, for most people, means getting up to punch a literal or figurative time clock, an hour of lunch and 2 weeks of vacation. Everyone has a boss who has a boss who has a boss that makes sure everyone under him is producing. Only rich business owners have any freedom and we only respect the ones that show up at work every day just like we do.

So many of us are unhappy in that mold, but what is the alternative? I never met anyone who thought differently except a bunch of "hippies" (read stoners) who really didn't want to work at all.

I am slowly finding my own alternative and finding I am not alone. This has become the new buzz: there are people out there making adequate or great livings by following their own path.

Here's the catch: it has to be intentional and it takes a lot of mental energy.

Americans are hard workers, but lazy thinkers.

So we must step outside of our society's paradigm. Find a meaningful way to make a living. Master that, devote yourself to it. Balance your life around that.

Forgiveness

I have been thinking about the meaning of work - and that is what I had intended to write about.
But whenever I sit down to write, lately, it is the same thing: the very ugly past.

Last week during a mundane conversation with one of my sisters, we accidentally hit upon the sorest of sore spots between us. I unintentionally let it slip that I was hurt at frequently being left out of family communication. I hadn't meant to say this; I knew where it must lead. But once it was out... there we were down the rabbit hole, the cat out of the bag, toothpaste out of the tube, etc.

As I had suspected, my sister has not forgiven me for my past transgressions. On that day I was privy to years of saved up resentment and rage. I had little defense except to say I was sorry and -geez, it was so long ago! Very shaken and upset, I called my second sister the next day hoping for support. Upon my very mentioning the topic, second sister opened up even more freely about the hurt I had caused.

They are both right; I have caused my family a whole lotta hurt. 16 or 17 years ago I began fighting with my parents over religion/Christianity. The rhetoric escalated over a period of weeks (or was it months?), they said some horrible things. I made wild accusations. The pain was unsustainable for me and I felt I could not sort things out while the fight raged. I completely cut off communication with my parents and - incidentally - my siblings. We were (and they still are) a very close family. The loss of one - and the oldest - was extremely painful for them all. My siblings felt betrayed in a way that I could vaguely understand but felt completely helpless to fix.

A few years later, my oldest nephew was born. I knew it was time for reconciliation. But it doesn't just happen. I called, I went home for multiple visits. I participated in family life again. I meekly tried to accept my outsider status as my just desserts.

But my siblings cannot so easily forgive and forget. Can I?

What I know so far

18 steps to improving your life:

1. Act - action is better than inaction. This includes too much tv and sleep

2. Read - good reading expands your mind and is important to being a good human being.

3. Don’t read - too much. It shuts you off from real life.

4. Be independent -not everyone does or will like you no matter who you are

5. Get a pet - pets will love even when you don't deserve it. This makes life a little brighter

6. Find a life partner –someone who loves you (almost) unconditionally and inspires you to be your best self.

7. Clean your house –this also does not make you a good person, but it does make life easier. Messy does not equal productive

8. Stay healthy -health problems take way more time and energy than they deserve .

9. Be interested in others –even if you have to fake it. It makes people feel better about themselves and you might learn something

10. Raise a child-having kids forces you to grow up.

11. Raise a teenager -having teenagers forces you to admit how old you are

12. Don’t (always) listen to your family -they do not necessarily have your best interests at heart

13. Forgive your parents –they may not always have done the best they could but it’s time to get over it, move on and take responsibility for your own actions. If you can’t do this, get the kind of help that will allow you to

14. Exercise –because you need to (see 9) and it makes you feel way better about yourself and life in general

15. Be productive –busy does not equal productive; know the difference.

16. Change your hair –it lifts your spirits. Hairstyles are like drawings on a chalkboard -if you don’t like yours, change it. If you don’t like your teen’s, shut up. It will change eventually.

17. Get obsessed – find something that takes you outside yourself and makes you joyful. Do it frequently.

18. Be nice - even when no one else is. It does make you a better person and life runs a whole lot more smoothly.