Forgiveness

I have been thinking about the meaning of work - and that is what I had intended to write about.
But whenever I sit down to write, lately, it is the same thing: the very ugly past.

Last week during a mundane conversation with one of my sisters, we accidentally hit upon the sorest of sore spots between us. I unintentionally let it slip that I was hurt at frequently being left out of family communication. I hadn't meant to say this; I knew where it must lead. But once it was out... there we were down the rabbit hole, the cat out of the bag, toothpaste out of the tube, etc.

As I had suspected, my sister has not forgiven me for my past transgressions. On that day I was privy to years of saved up resentment and rage. I had little defense except to say I was sorry and -geez, it was so long ago! Very shaken and upset, I called my second sister the next day hoping for support. Upon my very mentioning the topic, second sister opened up even more freely about the hurt I had caused.

They are both right; I have caused my family a whole lotta hurt. 16 or 17 years ago I began fighting with my parents over religion/Christianity. The rhetoric escalated over a period of weeks (or was it months?), they said some horrible things. I made wild accusations. The pain was unsustainable for me and I felt I could not sort things out while the fight raged. I completely cut off communication with my parents and - incidentally - my siblings. We were (and they still are) a very close family. The loss of one - and the oldest - was extremely painful for them all. My siblings felt betrayed in a way that I could vaguely understand but felt completely helpless to fix.

A few years later, my oldest nephew was born. I knew it was time for reconciliation. But it doesn't just happen. I called, I went home for multiple visits. I participated in family life again. I meekly tried to accept my outsider status as my just desserts.

But my siblings cannot so easily forgive and forget. Can I?